50 Reasons Why Sesame Street Sucks!

50 Reasons Why Sesame Street Sucks!

1. After years of research and poring over old tapes of this so called educational TV show, we’ve reached the conclusion that a lot of the characters were not played by real people! How does it feel to fool several generations of children Mr. Henson?
2. Our investigative staff has informed us that there never was a company or institution called “Letter A” or “The Number 2″ or other similar variations. So no such entity could have sponsored any of Sesame Street’s episodes. I wonder what other lies this show has been feeding us throughout the years.
3. For years, a lot of controversy have surrounded the characters “Bert & Ernie” claiming that they were gay. Our research have turned up no such evidence to back up those rumors. They act and live like the rest of the TMB staff; living together, cooking meals for each other, giving each other baths while one is unconscious, etc. Which leads us to believe that such rumors have been perpetrated by the producers themselves to generate publicity for their dying show.
4. Some members of the TMB staff are still unsure about the difference between “near” and “far” since the sexual deviant known as “Grover” did nothing but to demonstrate his moonwalking prowess to the audience.
5. After long hours in the laboratory, and in my bedroom, we have proven that no frog will ever fall in love with a pig. Not even after we took turns in fucking the pig to make the frog jealous.
6. Also, we just realized that a frog doesn’t have the necessary genitalia to satisfy a pig. But I do. Booyah.
7. I know for a fact that a “Big Bird” does not look anything like that.
8. My wife agrees.
9. No I don’t! — Pau’s wife.
10. The character “Mr. Hooper” is not dead. He was just written off the show by the producers because he was getting too cocky and started demanding more money to support his then fledgling business “Hooters.” I’m sure the producers are now kicking themselves in the groin for severing all ties with a potentially huge advertiser.
11. The Children’s Television Workshop has never taught a single child how to successfully construct a working television set. Not one! Which leads us to believe that it was a front for something far more dark and sinister.
12. Living in a trash can does not turn you green. It’s more of a mixture of brown, yellow, and turd.
13. Results of experiments have shown that Rubber Ducky does not make bath time lots of fun as promised. But maybe this is a good thing in that it teaches kids about the realities of false advertising.
14. Counting sheep does not in fact make you sleepy. Especially not when the 987th sheep keeps on winking at you while wiggling her fanny in that provocative manner she knows drives you crazy.
15. Keeping true to its tradition of lies and deceit, the show never details just how to get to Sesame Street. Google Maps and Mapquest are also part of this conspiracy. Afraid that we will find out the truth huh, Mr. Snuffleupagus? If that even is your real name.
16. Consistency Error: In one scene, we see “Grover” teaching kids the difference between “Near” and “Far.” The next scene, we see him again, only this time he’s grossly overweight and devouring cookies! Way to teach children how to be fat, guys. Real responsible.
17. The characters “Goofy,” and “Pluto” appear to be both of canine descent. However, one acts as the master to the other’s slave. Can this be an allusion to racism? Or a deviant homosexual relationship?
18. The Robinsons (Gordon and Susan) are black characters, and yet we don’t see them stealing car stereos or selling drugs to the children they meet. Can anybody say “Unrealistic?!”
19. We never see the characters “Mickey Mouse” and “Kermit The Frog” in one scene together. Could it be they are actually the same person? Such is the result of budgetary constraints caused by allocating funds to worship Satan!
20. The song “1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12″ does not contain any real lyrics. This is just one of many examples of the laziness of the people behind this show!
21. “Sesame Street” is actually an anagram for “Ameses Tretes.” We don’t actually know what it means, but it sounds really really scary.
22. The character who calls himself “The Count” dresses like and acts like a vampire despite being named after a woman’s genitalia. Way to stick to an overlying theme here, guys.
23. Yes, I know that “Cookie” starts with “C.” But sometimes, that’s not good enough for me.
24. Though we have yet to find concrete evidence, a lot of us believe that Elmo is a dirty, dirty slut.
25. If you look closely, you will see wires and cables holding up some of the actors’ arms and other appendages. What, they’ve never heard of CGI in the 1970s? Pitiful.
26. Despite what the show wants us to believe, you can actually count past the number 12. Shameful.
27. We were never able to locate this shady character which goes by the name “Sammy Gay” who makes “everything A-OK.” But our criminal profilers say that our perpetrator is a black lounge singer who sells crack to children in exchange for sexual favors. Gay sexual favors.
28. The show has been teaching kids the alphabet since 1969. And apparently, nobody has learned anything from the show because it’s still teaching the same thing almost four decades later.
29. Kermit the Frog likes to open with “”Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here!” But if you look closely, there are no prostitutes anywhere! Did they think we would not catch that?!
30. “Oh, I’m a monster! And people and small children are comfortable with my presence. What do I do? No, I do not eat them and use their entrails to decorate my sanctuary. I talk to them about letters and numbers. Sometimes I let them tickle me.” Seriously guys, what the fuck?
31. If “Bert” and “Ernie” are indeed gay, then why aren’t they going around town with a camera crew giving people make overs and redecorating their houses?
32. The show features men who love to break out into song and dance. But we don’t see them ever getting beat up.
33. “Grover” has been shown to have multiple jobs like a waiter, a cowboy, an assistant, a marshal, a professor, or even Super Grover. Tell me, do you really want to entrust your kids with such a character that obviously has no direction in life? Fucking hippie.
34. In some countries, their words for “apple” does not start with the letter “A.” Way to alienate the rest of the world fellas.
35. The show promotes a healthy lifestyle by advocating the eating of healthy foods and regular exercise so you can “grow up big and strong!” So what do they have against steroids?
36. The next time you watch an episode of this show, watch when one of them breaks out into song. If you look closely, you’ll see that most of them are lipsynching!
37. One of their characters,”Popeye” has never interacted with any of the characters from the show. It’s as if he’s from an entirely different show!
38. The show keeps featuring “Popeye” growing stronger every time he eats Spinach. What it doesn’t show is the fact that spinach tastes disgusting!
39. “Oh the show has been going on for more than four decades and it never occurred to me to sleep with one of the kids who just turned 18!”
40. Where does Big Bird shit? Oh, in Oscar’s trash can of course. Nevermind.
41. “Miss Piggy,” a female character, likes to go outside and interact with men while she should be cooped up in the kitchen!
42. Two words: Believable Nudity.
43. Tickle Me Elmo? More like Tickle Me Homo!
44. I tried playing “One Of These Things is Not Like The Other” with these guys and I just got beat up. Thanks a lot, asses.
45. In 1983, the producers released a special called Big Bird in China; and Big Bird in Japan in 1988. Everybody knows that there are no big birds in China or in any other Asian country. Please stop pretending that there are, it’s just embarrassing for everybody.
46. Did anybody notice that the character Swedish Chef does not speak a word of English!? I know!
47. Neither does Animal!
48. Tap Dancing is not that easy! Stop making people believe it is!
49. Some plot elements in some of their episodes were clearly stolen from THE MATRIX!
50. I was never invited to join the Grouchketeers.