Last week found me on the floor of a bathroom somewhere in Medical City with my hands inside the toilet bowl, chasing a piece of shit around with a tongue depressor. Who would have thought that a piece of shit could move so fast?
Let me backtrack and explain for a moment why I was in that unpleasant situation. What happened was, I got myself a case of your garden variety diarrhea and I mistook it for a sign that my GERD was working overtime. Hypochondriac that I am, I headed on to my doctor to see if I didn’t deserve to be confined for a week or two.
Much to my disappointment it was only diarrhea, but he asked me for a stool sample just to be on the safe side. Which brings us back to the bathroom with me playing tag with the Roadrunner of shits. When I agreed to give a stool sample, I thought it wouldn’t be a problem. Aside from the fact that it involves handling shit, it’s not something that I’ve never done before. But apparently, what my doctor and I didn’t count on was the fact that I had—what was it called again? Oh DIARRHEA!
On any normal Stool Sampling day, I would just dump my business in the bowl, poke it with a tongue depressor and stick it in the plastic cup. Sometimes I would even fill the cup to the brim to make sure that my doctor has enough to play with.
When you have diarrhea, you don’t shit. You pee through your ass. When faced with lightning fast super turd, a tongue depressor would have been as useful as a condom made out of hair net. It was during that time that the thought of using a straw to suck the shit out of the bowl didn’t sound so bad.
Eventually I managed to wear down Roadrunner-Superturd, and managed to get enough of it in the plastic cup to please any doctor with a turd fetish. I sealed up the cup, disposed of the tongue depressor, and straightened up. Much to my horror, I found that there was more shit on the floor than what ended up in the plastic cup.
I’ve forgotten that another symptom of diarrhea is the loss of control over the flow of traffic from your ass to the floor.
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With apologies to Jay Pinkerton.
oh, crap.