A Wake of Retarded

I make no secret about my feelings on The Da Vinci Code to anyone who would listen. But since I haven’t blogged about it yet, I guess it’s about time now that the movie is coming out.

When the book first came out, I began to get messages from friends who kept raving about the book. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided gave it a chance.

And what did I think? I hated it. More than I hate Filipino drivers. I hate it more than I hate my sister’s boyfriend. I hate it more than I hate everything I’ve ever hated in my life. Ok that’s not entirely true. I don’t hate it more than my Psoriasis but I do hate it nonetheless.

It’s not that it’s incredibly bad, it’s that it’s undeniably mediocre. The fact that everybody and their uncle keeps going on how “intelligent” it is, or how “well researched” it is only gives me reason to hate it even more. If you would point out that every other page in that so called novel was a direct copy (and not a good copy at that) of Holy Blood, Holy Grail you’d probably be forced to eat your own face by rabid fanbois screaming “Dan Brown opened my eyes to the truth, yo!”

Putting it simply, I often feel as if I’m stumbling while reading the book.

What do I mean when I say “stumbling”? Well the book is a page turner, I’ll give it that. And in the heat of the moment, as I’m caught up in the action, dying to know what happens next, Dan Brown throws in a sentence, or a phrase, or a piece of information that is so monumentally retarded that I stop dead in my tracks, go back a few steps to re-read it again just to see if I got it right the first time, and roll my eyes at just how bad a writer this guy is.

I could probably go into a more detailed, in depth dissection of Dan Brown’s artless prose, or his clumsy construction of action set pieces, or his liberal use of Deus ex Machina; but doing so would mean reading the book again, and I don’t think I have to explain why I don’t want to do that.

Also, why should I waste time writing my own review when I can just link to articles which were written by better writers than I?

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Out of all the “Dan Brown Hating” articles I’ve read, nothing made me feel better than what Salman Rushdie said in this article: (c/o Ade)

“Do not start me on ‘The Da Vinci Code,’” Rushdie said. “A novel so bad that it gives bad novels a bad name.”

When asked the question: “Should you kill people because you don’t like their books?” Rushdie said no.

“Even Dan Brown must live,” he said. “Preferably not write, but live.”

Awesome.

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Seeing as how the movie is almost universally hated by critics, I’d just like to put forward Jay Pinkerton’s take. Which would make a much much better movie I think.

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Apparently, Dan Brown’s retardedness is catching because despite all the bad reviews that the movie has been getting, the city of Metro Manila has decided to ban the movie on its second day of showing.

Barring any of Dan Brown’s books, that may be the single most retarded thing I’ve ever read.

Especially this line:

The movie takes a leaf from Brown’s book…

A leaf?! A leaf?! The whole movie is based on the entire book. That’s a whole forest of crap right there for the love of Dan!

Also retarded is that Benjamin Asilo, guy who authored the resolution.