Faded Boxers

I was rudely awakened at 3:36 AM this morning by a pack of hungry bitchlions who were watching me 5 meters away from my bed (I knew it wasn’t a good idea to build a house in the middle of Africa and neglecting to build walls). Apparently they were attracted to the blood of the 37 sharks I wrestled and killed the night before. Thinking fast, I quickly picked up Jennifer Connelly, who was busy performing fellatio on me as I was reading the morning paper while sleeping, and threw her up in the air. This gave me approximately 88.9 seconds before she comes back down to the Earth’s atmosphere, during which I will deal with the bitchlions.

Realizing the gravity of the situation, I started to cook breakfast at super speed while giving the bitchlions the evil eye. My finely-tuned sense told me that one of the bitchlions suddenly sprouted a gattling gun from his abdomen. Also, his head turned into Lionel Ritchie’s. Having no choice, I proceeded to eat my pancakes raw, which made me so mad.

So I took out my badass drum set out of thin air and played the most awesome drum solo ever recorded in human history as well as in the history of the Bagyar people on Planet !Ztolok 9.078. When I realized that the Bagyar people is a civilization without literature, and hence has no recorded history, I proceeded to write their history for them in Latin which is easier to translate to Bagyish. After emailing the Bagyar history to my Bagyar contact at bagyarcontact@bagyar.bgyr, I turned to face the bitchlions only to discover that they have all died. I would later realize that they were all allergic to 80’s music, which was the underlying theme of my drum solo. I knew it would pay to rock out with my cock out.

Realizing that 89 seconds have passed, and still no sign of Jennifer Connelly, I concluded that she was burned to a crisp upon reentry so I skinned all the dead bitchlions and sewed their hides together to make a flying convertible which will aid me in bringing Jennifer Connelly back from the clutches of Hades. As I was getting into the car, I realized that the bitchlions have somehow put a timebomb in my shoes which is triggered to go off in 40 liters. Checking my watch, I realize that 35 liters have already passed and I was running out of time. So I did what anybody in my situation would do; I ate my shoes with the timebomb inside and washed it down with the blood of some orphans from a nearby village. The bomb exploded in my stomach and made my face red.

Then I hopped on the convertible made out of lionhide and used it as a skateboard to travel to the Philippines which is the source of all things evil, thus a good place to start my search. Along the way, I punched a bunch of bears in the crotch and made them really mad. It was so funny!

Halfway to Manila, I was pulled over by the skateboard police on account of my being too manly. Having no time to waste, I transformed myself into AIDS and entered their bloodstream. They asked me how they are going to live now that they have AIDS. I told them that they should become gay and start designing clothes. They thanked me as I went on my way.

As I finally reached land, I ran over so many wandering kitties that I had a flat tire. That got me so sad that I fell into a deep sleep that can’t be broken in a few thousand years.