Faded Boxers

I’m writing to you because I’m so depressed. Life just isn’t turning out the way I thought it would.

First of all, I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

I like sleeping face down, but that presents a problem because I have an unusually large cock. It keeps puncturing my bed (I own a waterbed because no other bedding material can relax me so). Before, I would just buy waterbeds everday to replenish my supply. But since that had become tedious, I simply bought all the waterbed stores and their respective companies in the country just so I wouldn’t have to keep on withdrawing money from one of my several Swiss bank accounts.

Anyway to get back to my problem, I tried sleeping on my back, but my penis is too heavy that it makes breathing difficult when it rests on my stomach and chest as I lay sleeping. I tried sleeping on my side, but whenever I do that I have a tendency to smother 3 of the 10 girls that insist on sharing my bed each night. With my penis.

Speaking of girls. I’m having sex with one right now. I’m balancing the laptop on her back as I’m typing this. I didn’t want to because I’m too tired. But she insisted. So I gave in because she’s so beautiful. In order to describe her, I’d say she looks a lot like Morena Baccarin (because that’s who she is). Sometimes I feel like—Oops hold on, we have to change positions. Now I’m balancing the laptop on her tits.

Anyway as I was saying, sometimes I get so depressed about how life is just too damn hard that I blow off steam by swimming the Pacific Ocean while lifting weights. And this is becoming a problem because it’s cutting into my studies of finding a cure for cancer.

Holy fuck, I can’t think straight anymore because Morena is orgasming right now (her 11th I believe) and she can be really loud. Which is good I guess because maybe now I can get some sleep.

In addition to that, my father just returned the ocean liner he borrowed from me last month and he did not fill up the gas tank!

Sometimes I feel like killing myself. I’m running out of ideas here. Please help me. I feel so alone.

Thanks.