Dear Mr. Internets at Faded Boxers

Internets! Dear Mr. Internets,

First of all I’d like to congratulate you on your very successful invention. Before the Internet came along, I wouldn’t have learned very useful things like how to resolve conflicts at work, how to build my own wood cabin, and masturbation. To donkey porn.

Now I know you’re a very busy man so I’ll just get right to the point of my letter. As you may already know, I have recently lost my iPod. I’m sure you might have heard about that because I put it on the Internets through another one of your inventions, my Web Log, or “a blog,” as it is sometimes called. Silly me, of course you know about this because you are Mr. Internets!

Anyway, as you may also know, I am a man of very limited means. I do not come from a rich family, and as such, it is not uncommon for me to scrimp on some things in order to be able to afford even the most basic necessities. And my son understands that a high school education as well as one of his kidneys are simply luxuries we can’t afford right now. So in light of what I’ve said so far, I’m sure your heart goes out to me that such a heavy loss has befallen me (I’ll tell you about how I lost my Gold Rolex Watch in another email).

If you’re anything like me, you’d probably be asking yourself at this point why this email was sent to you. Also, you’re maybe sticking a finger or two up your butt, but that’s beside the point. You see I realized that in order to replace my beloved iPod, the only thing for me to do is become rich. It’s such a simple solution I know, and I guess the only excuse I have for not thinking of it sooner is because I was probably busy beating up my children and making it look like my wife did it.

So I’ve decided that the quickest way to become rich is to take over your empire. Obviously, I know nothing about what you do, and this is where you come in. What do you think is the best way to wrestle your power from you? Of course, violence may seem like an obvious choice, but between my work and waiting for Satan to return my text message, I don’t think I have the time it requires to launch a full scale land, sea, and air attack on you. I may have to resort to begging, but I wanted to ask you first if that’s the best course of action.

Also, once I have taken over your empire, I will probably need to take a moment to have sex with your mother—but not before fondling her ass. I have manners thank you very much. And a very huge cock.

After that, I will immediately start making money for myself, and again I will depend on your advice as to how to proceed. Can I go out on the streets and start pumping people for money right away or do I punch them in the necks first as a means of introducing myself? I’ll be very embarrassed if after having punched people in the crotch, I’ll find out that the proper way is actually to slap them in the face first.

Internets Card! Also, in the event that I won’t be able to convince people to pay me at once (I’m sure you had this problem when you were first starting out) I’m going to have business cards printed out as a means to prove my identity. So again I ask you, do you know of any printing place which prints business cards that can transform into a lethal ninja star with poison tips? For my crimefighting activities of course.