Faded Boxers

Do you have what it takes to drive a public utility vehicle in the streets of Metro Manila? Do you have a driver’s license? Do you know the difference between left and right?

If the answer to all the questions above are “YES” then you have the basic skills to be a Filipino driver. Feel free to continue and take the test below. If your answers above are “NO,” take the test anyway! Remember, in the Philippines, everyone can drive! Even the blind!

1 . What do the colors below mean to you?

a. They’re the colors of a traffic light. Red means stop. Yellow means prepare to stop. Green means go! (Hint: This is the correct answer)

b. It’s Christmas with a hint of hepatitis.

c. Colors? (Hint: I know it’s hard to comprehend, but there’s such a thing as colors. And when you see these three lights on an intersection, they actually mean something. Please don’t choose this option. Choose option “a.” “A” is the correct answer!)

2. When picking up a passenger, on which part of the road should you stop and wait for him? Choose between the two images below:

3. The average Philippine Jeepney can take up to 15-20 passengers. How many passengers should you wait to board your vehicle before going about your daily route?

a. 15-20

b. I do not take passengers. Driving my jeep is its own reward. I still believe in Santa Claus and there’s a slight possibility I am mentally retarded.

c. I will not move my vehicle until I hear the agonized groaning of the jeep’s chassis which signifies that it is one day closer to its sweet release we know as death.

4. You see your fellow driver driving the other way. You each have a line of several irate motorists at the back of you whom you’ve made to wait while picking up a passenger. Do you ?:

a. Wave at him and hope to catch up with him when you meet up for lunch.

b. Give him the finger. Sleeping with you wife should be punishment enough for him. But you scheme to give your wife herpes for the next time he decides to play in your bedroom.

c. Stop and chat with him for at least 15 minutes, ignoring the honking and the voices of angry motorists behind you. Pay no heed to them. That just means you’re doing a good job.

5. Complete the following sentence: Counterflowing is:

a. Wrong. Under no circumstances is counterflowing a good thing.

b. When you urinate and your pee goes back up.

c. A noble practice, handed down by the gods and taught to man to separate the men from the turds.

6. The dashboard of my vehicle is the proper place to put these items:

a. A doggie or a kittie with a bobbing head.

b. A caterpillar stuffed toy.

c. Miniature statues of all the saints known to man.

d. Pants.

e. All of the above (Hint: Most drivers will choose this option. But it is wrong. It is so wrong that if this option was a cure for cancer, cancer patients taking this medicine would explode.)

f. None of the above.

7. Which of the following statements is/ are true?

1. Going the opposite direction on a one-way street is wrong.

2. Gravity is the natural phenomenon which causes cheeseburgers.

3. Running a red light is wrong.

4. I can spit as many times a day as I have children.

a. 1,3,4

b. atman! Na na na na na. BATMAN!

c. None of the above.

d. All of the above.

e. I don’t know. I actually stopped reading this after the pretty colors in question 1.

8. Essay Question: A cow goes __________? Discuss in one word or less.

Allotted space for essay question: M_ _.

9. Peeing on the street is:

a. Wrong.

b. Not as gross as shitting on the street.

c. Is OK as long as I’m with my two best friends: Crack and Cocaine.

10. You ran over a little boy with your vehicle. Which hospital would you bring him to?

a. The nearest one.

b. This is actually a trick question. The correct response would be to bring the poor boy to any hospital. It would be great if you can bring him to the nearest one. I hope to God you pick either a or b.

c. I will hide the body in my neighbor’s closet along with all the others. And if you have a problem with this, you can write a complaint letter TO MY FISTS!

d. HOLY SHIT! WHO ARE YOU?!

11. If you were a movie, you would be:

a. When Harry met Sally

b. The Joy Luck Club

c. Driving Miss Daisy

d. The Fast and the Furious

e. 2 Fast 2 Furious

f. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

g. The Passion of The Christ