Faded Boxers

Mike called me to his office and he didn’t sound happy at all. Actually he sounded gay, but then again he always sounds like that. Especially when he’s having sex with men.

“What’s up Mike?” I asked the quiet office. Mike sat behind his big mahogany desk sound asleep. Seeing as how my entrance failed to wake him up, I proceeded to find better uses for the pencils sitting on his desk.

He woke up 15 minutes later. By that time, I had found out that you can fit approximately 4 No. 2 pencils in his left nostril and about two and a half erasers on his right. As usual, he spent half an hour screaming at me while checking his nostrils in the mirror. He told me he wasn’t happy by my lack of contributions for the blog and that I should get to writing something if I still wanted to be part of the team. While I suspect that he was still mad at me for sending a male stripper to his house on his birthday, I decided to take it at face value and promised him that I’ll write a movie review about the last movie I’ve seen.

“And next time, when you send a male stripper to my house, make sure my mom isn’t home!” Mike bellowed as he slammed his office door to my face. Since I’m sure he wouldn’t be too happy to find out that I’ve applied a liberal amount of superglue to his doorknob earlier, I decided it best to get to work.

Unfortunately, the last movie I’ve seen was Flags of Our Fathers. A movie of which I only remember the credits because I’ve slept through most of it. In fact the best thing I remember about the movie was my dream of space wars, dragons, and a talking Lion named Chimp while I was sleeping. Goddamn, that movie was boring. But I’m kinda committed now. I can’t just go back to Mike’s office to tell him I couldn’t do it. mostly because of the superglue.

So anyway, here’s the review I’ve pieced together from what I remember:

Flags of Our Fathers follows the adventures of the six men featured in the flag raising photograph at Iwo Jima which turned the tide in favor of the Americans in World War II. The three surviving members of that team were called Gemach the Baron Slayer, Mekalah the womanizing Barbarian with a heart of Gold, and Chuck the Buck. They came home from the war only to find out that their planet was being taken over by an alien race of evil Goldfish.

Crestfallen, our three heroes were about to leave the planet but were stopped in the nick of time by the lovable CGI-animated lion who called himself Chimp. Chimp convinced our merry band of heroes that only they can fight the evil goldfish overlords and restore order to the world. Gemach the Baron Slayer loved this plan because he didn’t want to have to escape to Chiron Beta Prime where his in-laws lived. However unbeknownst to Gemach and Chimp, Mekalah and Chuck the Buck have been secretly brainwashed by some broken traffic lights into thinking they were fire hydrants.

So Chimp and Gemach went on a quest to retrieve The Annointed Peanut of Golgothar which had the mystical power of restoring Mekalah and Chuck The Buck to their former selves. Along the way, they met with several dangerous obstacles like Baby Breathing Dragons, the Water Planet of Gretel, and traffic. When finally they reached the Land of The Plaid which was home to The Annointed Peanut of Golgothar, they had to slay the fearsome guardian of the Peanut, Eddie Vedder. So now, equipped with The Peanut, Gemach raced back to Mekalah and Chuck just as the Goldfish Overlords were about to mindwipe the humans.

With Gemach, Mekalah, Chuck, Chimp and the now reformed Eddie Vedder, the team is now complete. “Now,” Chimp declared defiantly to the coming goldfish hordes. “The team is now complete, the prophecy will be fulfilled!”

And that’s approximately when Rach woke me up from my slumber. Apparently the movie has finished, and it was time to go home.

“PAAAAAUUUU!!!!!” Mike bellowed from his office.

“What’s wrong Mike? Are you alright? You’re turning green,” I asked as I entered his office.

“What the hell is this?” he asked holding up my article about the movie.

“It’s my article about the movie,” I answered.

“You expect me to publish this piece of crap? The only connection this has with the movie is the title.”

“Untrue! I could have sworn the movie mentioned something about Eddie Vedder.” I didn’t know that Mike can turn purple as well as green. Truly, the man has many talents. Aside from sucking cock of course.

“CHANGE. THE. FUCKING. ARTICLE!!”

“Holy Jesus Mike, why?”

“Because it doesn’t say anything that’s why!”

“So what am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t care. Editorialize it. Write a note at the end about what the movie was all about. Just do something! Or else…..!”

“OR ELSE WHAT?!”

“Or else, I’ll start writing ATROCITIES OF FRIENDSTER AGAIN!”

Ultimately, Flags of Our Fathers aims to humanize those who we’ve always looked up to as heroes. The movie attempts to draw a contrast between our preconceived notions of our so called heroes between the harsh realities of what it means to be a hero, and ultimately, the price they have to pay to be extraordinary.

Flashbacks to the actual events at Iwo Jima are presented side by side with what happens to our heroes after the war. While during the war, they had an enemy they could easily identify; their struggle after the war was far more complex as they had to grapple with their own personal demons and come to terms with hiding the truth to prevent their country from losing faith in the war effort.

In the end we see that heroes are also human. Flawed just like the rest of us, and are not exempt from facing their own mortality.