How to Quit Being a Ninja

Are you getting tired of all the shit that ninjas have to put up with just to get through the day? People cross the street when they see you walking. Dogs hate you because they can never sense whenever you’re near. The Pirate kids down the street keep egging your house while shouting “We’re way cooler than you!”

Then your neighbors are always updating their state of the art home security systems (which never succeeds in stopping you from sneaking in and “borrowing” some stuff like sugar, milk, and kidneys). It’s hard for you to find a place to stay because your roommates have a tendency of disappearing on you. You can’t even find a date because the Ninja Code you live by prohibits you from uploading your real pic in your Friendster profile page:

Also:

So we’re here to help you to leave your Ninja ways behind and successfully to assimilate yourself into society. Below is a short list of scenarios designed to point you toward a happier existence with the people around you.

So without further ado:

1. It’s a beautiful day outside. What do you do?

a. Go out and assassinate shit.

b. Go to the basement and continue torturing the prisoner you captured the night before.

c. Take a walk, maybe talk to the neighbors.

Answer: I know the obvious response would be either a or b; but since we’re saying goodbye to your old life, the correct answer would be letter c. Research have shown that most normal people tend to choose this answer more than any other.

Probably because they are not trained in the deadly arts of distributing death. And if they tried, they would probably end up in a stretcher or two. So in conclusion, normal people are fat lazy cowards.

2. It is your first day at work. How will you get to work?

a. I am one with the wind. With one breath, I am transported to my destination.

b. Disappear from my place of residence in a cloud of smoke and instantaneously apparate in the office. Regardless of whether or not I actually work there. Find random people to assassinate. If no people can be found, assassinate the goldfish or the plants.

c. Take the bus.

Answer: Though every fiber of your being may oppose the idea, public transportation is the correct answer to this question. And no, assassinating the other commuters is not proper either. Something about respect for life they seem to believe in. Yes, it is slow, stinky, and may get a little crowded, but you get to interact with people without killing them. And that’s a big step.

3. Tom from Accounting invited you to join the office badminton game. Which of the following is the proper response to such an invitation?

a. Decapitate him using nothing but a piece of bond paper on your desk.

b. Cut out his tongue using your own tongue to teach him that you do not consider speaking a very pleasant activity. Second only to badminton.

c. Accept.

Answer: Yes you guessed it, all the options which involve killing or maiming your co workers are all wrong. So whenever invited to join a social event, you are encouraged to reply with “Yes, that sounds like fun. I would be happy to join.” And if you can manage it, don’t do it while strangling anybody.

4. An attractive officemate is making it very clear that she wants you to ask her out on a date. What do you do?

a. Cut off her hands to signify how you do not need to be in a relationship right now. Send her a strongly worded text message to make sure she understands. Help her read the text message as she is now unable to operate her cellphone.

b. Stare at her silently while computing to yourself the exact amount of force needed to snap her neck.

c. Ask her out on a date.

Answer: Unlike ninjas, normal people cannot procreate just by willing themselves into existence. They have to go through the tedious process of what is called “dating,” which usually leads to marriage and then procreation. Which is why they aren’t in the habit of killing other people, particularly of the opposite gender for fear of possibly assassinating a future mate.

5. When is it OK to kill people?

a. When your small defenseless village is being raided by a group of ruffians. They hurt the only attractive girl in the village, or the girl’s father, and you want to help her, but are unwilling to be embroiled in the ensuing conflict because you are trying to escape your dark past. But since the ruffians insulted you/your master/the girl / your taste in music, you had no choice but to kill them.

But not before a lengthy montage set to awesome music like Trixter, and another montage involving you putting on your weapons of mass destruction equipment.

b. When people talk during the movie.

c. When Scientologists and Filipino Drivers are around.

d. None of the above. I have learned to respect all life now and am a firm believer that violence resolves nothing. I like bunny rabbits, and flowers. And I think I maybe just a little bit gay.

Answer: This is actually a trick question to test if you have gone a little too far in leaving your ninja ways behind. There are some instances when the act of opening a can of deadsauce on certain individuals are warranted. If by chance, you chose option d, you are encouraged to read our other self help guide entitled “So You Like the Taste of Cock.”

THE END