Faded Boxers

The other day, on The Man Blog forum, we have been asked to give pointers on how work out. And as is usual, we took a picture of my butt and sent it to that person’s grandmother with a letter that says

Dear Mrs. N00b’s Grandma,

We’re sorry to tell you that you have a growth which we in the medical field like to call an ‘ass tumor’ growing at the back of your neck.

Sucks to be you,
Dr. Scientist.

Booyah.

Anyway, the other day I realized just how I wanted to be able to tell my wife some interesting stories for a change apart from the usual ones that always seem to start out with:

“Today I learned that our neighbors’ car alarm actually works.”

or

“Today I learned that the phrase ‘over my dead body’ is not meant to be taken literally.”

or

“Today I learned that crime does not pay.”

So I decided to actually be of help to some of the monkeys who hang out at our forum and see if I can whip up a set of tips to ensure a safe, and productive work out regimen.

So I guess the first step is to look for good work out clothes. Seeing as how my wardrobe is made up of clothes mainly used for raping and saving young orphans from orphanage fires which I secretly started so I can rape them afterwards, you can see how this poses as a dilemma for me.

Fig. 1: Rape Clothes

So I approached the situation the way I did with any other problem in life: I went home and punched my driver. Because he’s just so fucking stupid. Stupid people should always get punched.

Fig 2. This picture does not contain boobies

Tip #1: Choose a work out activity which you enjoy

I stopped punching Alan just before he loses consciousness because I realized he hasn’t finished washing my car yet.

Tip #2: Pace yourself. Don’t overdo your workout especially if you’re just starting out

Neither the splatter of Alan’s blood on our driveway, or the sound of his bones cracking failed to produce a worthy exercise attire for me. So, being the “glass is half full (of awesome)” person I am, I decided not to let this momentary setback affect me.

So I told myself to proceed with this exercise of awesome and move to the next item on the list of things to do which was to kidnap some children from church.

Tip #3: Look for the right exercise equipment

Seeing as how it was a Sunday and the church was filled with kids, it was hard to choose which ones were right for me. Of course, they had to satisfy a short list of criteria:

1. Is he/she hot?
2. Are his/her parents not looking?

You have to make sure to adhere to this set of criteria in choosing your kid; otherwise regret, and quite possibly, the cops will be on your back like Donkey Kong on my birthday.

Don’t ask.

Unfortunately for me, and very unfortunate for a certain driver, no such kids fit the criteria, so I’m left with no choice but to call it a day playing one of my favorite games “Getting Homeless People To Give You Blood In Exchange for Money.” Only instead of money, I use “punches in the neck” as currency.

Tip #4: Mix up your work out. Adding variety in your regimen prevents you from getting bored with working out

It is at this point that I realized just how retarded all of this is. Working out, I mean. You see, I’m kinda hot. So hot, that if I discovered today that I had the power to travel through time, the first thing I would do is to travel back in time to rape myself. And I think I have to travel farther back in time to tell younger me that if he sees older me getting ready to rape me, I must make sure to protest. Because that makes me hot.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, hot. Anyway, considering the level of hotness I possess, working out would just be unfair to other men. So I decided to just give it up and let idea rest. Damn, this pointless waste of my energy really burns me up. Where the hell is Alan?