Faded Boxers

Let me tell you a true story about immunization. When i was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River. And it was filled with raw sewage. Okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know, to cool off.

At that time the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know somethin’? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one. Ever! You know why? Because we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems. The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit!

And you know something? In spite of all of that so-called risky behavior, I never get infections. I just don’t get ‘em, folks. I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, and I don’t get food poisoning. And Ya know why? Because I have a good, strong immune system, and it gets a lot of practice.

–George Carlin

As I’ve said before, my condition falls under the Autoimmune Diseases category. In layman’s terms, it basically means that my immune system is attacking my body because it has nothing else better to do.

Before I continue, a brief history:

• A favorite story that my father likes to tell (my) friends is when I was a few months old, he entered my room to find that I was playing with one of my baby poops. Not only did I have poop stains on my hands and clothes, but I had some on my mouth as well. Even though I had 6-foot deep dimples when I was younger, there’s just nothing cute about that image.
• Like George Carlin, I’ve been known to play in raw sewage when I was a kid.
• Even if I drop my food, I eat it. Fuck the 5-second rule. If it looks good, even if it’s been on the ground for more than 5 minutes, I eat it. Unless somebody stepped on it. Even then, it would require some heavy contemplation on my part before I decide that maybe it’s not a good idea to eat it.
• If I ask if I can have a bite off your sandwich, and you lick the whole thing just to spite me, I’ll still eat it.
• I don’t shy away from people who cough.

There’s more, but you get the idea. My formative years were spent beating the shit out of my immune system, Count of Monte Cristo-style. So now it’s the meanest, ill-tempered, deranged lunatic that you’ll ever get to meet.

Now that I’ve changed my dirty ways, I think my immune system got bored waiting for a worthy opponent, and decided to have fun with my body instead. I’ve made my bed, now I must lie in it.

So, I’ve made a conscious decision to start introducing germs in my life. Though, I won’t be diving toilets ala-Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting, I will become less of a misophobe.

Why am I posting this? Well because, yesterday as I was taking my medications, I dropped one of my pills and it rolled off the table into my trash can. The same trash can where I throw all my Johnsons’ buds and used tissues.

Now, given what I’ve told you thus far, if you still don’t know what I did, I’ma come down to your house and commit me some murders.