I started to approach the Human Resources Officer to hand in my resume, but I stopped in midstride before I got too close to him.
Sensing my apprehension, he approached me and asked if he could help me.
“Um….no. I think I’ve made a mistake,” I stammered.
“What do you mean sir?” he asked while glancing at the resume I held in my hands. “I see you’re here about our job opening?”
“I —gotta go. I gotta do something.”
“Wait sir, is anything wrong?” said the HR officer as he reached to stop me.
“GAY your hands agay from me!” I blurted out.
The HR officer was taken aback. “I beg your pardon?”
“Look, I don’t want any trouble. I know of your kind, and I think you’re alright. But I just don’t gay that gay. Maybe tomorrow, but not TOGAY!”
The HR officer looked mildly annoyed, but immediately regained his composure. “Sir, I don’t know where you are getting your information, but I assure you I am not a homosexual.”
“I’m so sorry for this mistake. I don’t know what to gay. I hope we can put this behind us. I’ll just leave and wish you a nice gay. O-Gay?”
“EXCUSE ME?!”
“Also, all this excitement’s gotten me thirsty. Tell me, where can I buy a bottle of GAYtorade?”
“NOW Listen here! I will not—”
I glanced at the TV in the lobby which was tuned into HBO. “Gay, isn’t that Tom Cruise?”
“That’s it. Get the fuck out of here. GUARD!”
“Is your favorite President GAYbraham Lincoln? Who is your favorite Muppet? Is it Kermit the FAG? Aw come on, don’t be like that, let’s go to the bar and I’ll buy you a couple of queers. Seriously, let’s be friends. I’m actually bending over backwards to be nice to you,” I said as I was dragged away by the security guards with their huge nightsticks.
=========================
“Sorry sir, but you can’t be here,” the receptionist told me from behind her desk.
“What?! I have every right to be at this job interview as any other job seeker!” I said indignantly.
The receptionist was getting nervous. “I apologize sir, but I’m gonna have to ask you to leave.”
“What the hell for?! Is it because I’m black? It’s because I’m black isn’t it?”
“No sir, you are not black. In fact, you are most definitely Asia—”
“Are you calling me a liar?!”
“Oh dear. I’m sorry sir, that is not my intent at all. I was merely sugg–”
“That’s what I hate about racist people like you. You take one look at the color of a man’s skin and you automatically assume he’s lying. And black.”
“Again, I apologize for this, but I assure it has nothing to do with race. If you look closely, you’d realize that I’m of African descent while you aren’t.”
“………..”
“………..”
“Then why don’t you want me to interview for your job opening?”
“Well sir, it’s because you aren’t wearing any pants.”
“………..”
“………..”
“So a black man can’t go to a job interview without his pants?!”
“GUARD!!!!!”
=========================
“Excuse me sir? Are you finished with your application form? I’ve been asked to collect—NIGGER FULL OF RABBITS! WHY ARE YOU SHITTING ON THE FORM!? AND FOR GOD SAKES, PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PANTS IF YOU’RE GONNA SHIT!
“My pen ran out of ink. By the way, I’m gonna need more paper.”
“GUAAAAAAARD!”
=========================
JOB APPLICATION FORM
Q: What’s your greatest strength?
I could probably kill you with my thumb. But I won’t. Because I’m a team player. Also, I don’t pick on fags.
Q: What’s your biggest weakness?
Kryptonite
Q: Talk about your greatest achievement here.
I can’t go into details because it’s classified information. But let me just say that the human race, and dolphins owe their existence to me. You’re welcome.
Q: Person to call in case of emergency?
Me
Q: Who do you talk to when you find yourself in a difficult situation?
My fists
Q: If hired, what will you be able to contribute to the company?
Check out this handstand:
HUP!
Yeah, I could do this bitch for hours.
And no, you can’t touch me.
=========================
“How’s the job search coming honey?” my wife asked me as she entered our pad.
“Oh you know, it’s crazy out there!” I said as I played with my XBOX 360.
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