My Attempt at being funny

I’ve always been fascinated by stand up comics, and while I enjoy all kinds, I prefer all those comics who can deliver killer one liners. Mitch Hedberg, Demetri Martin, and Mike Birbiglia (Youtube these guys, you won’t regret it) are just some of the many comedians I try to emulate whenever I Tweet and/or update my Facebook status.

Below are just a couple of the stuff I came up with that got generally positive reactions from my friends. Some of these are reactions to whatever’s going on in current events, and that dates these jokes. But I still believe that despite that, they can stand on their own:

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Sometimes, I like to leave a piece of chocolate lying around. And then take it away after a few minutes. Just to give ants false hopes.

I don’t believe in using knives. If that piece of meat is too big to fit in my mouth, then my mouth will have to be the one to adjust.

When Chavit Singson first met Che Tiongson, he said “I’d hit that.” And then he did.

I think the worst place to have an epileptic seizure is at a rave party.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But I don’t think it should be too cocky. It only had to beat two other meals.

It’s getting harder to meet new people now that they put dividers between urinals.

I can satisfy a room full of women at the same time. Just by leaving the room.

You know what sucks? Vacuum cleaners.

How the fuck am I supposed to read the Bible if these fuckers keep posting spoilers?

I finally found out guys’ equivalent to PMS, and it’s called “Credit Card Bill Day.”

Sometimes I wish I lived in a vacuum. I don’t mean in isolation, but an actual vacuum. That would be awesome.

While Twitter was down, I had a hard time telling random people what I had for breakfast.

I like my women like I like my coffee: full of drugs.

I’m so happy that my ultimate childhood crush is now engaged. Did I say engaged? I meant fat. I’m happy she’s fat.

Ran a total of 10 km in under 1 hour today. Coincidentally, that’s exactly 100x the distance from my bedroom to the ref to the bathroom.

Was having a grand time on the treadmill today. Until they made me take off my wheelie shoes.

Once again, I show up for work wearing a shirt I have no recollection of ever owning.

I like my women like I like my cars: stolen and stripped for parts. Also, tireless.

Trying to find a way to condense my life story to fit in the 14 page limit. The bed scenes alone are worth 10 pages. Not that I had much sex. It’s just that I really really love spending time in my bed.

I felt so badass to see a big bruise on my arm after boxing yesterday. Imagine my disappointment when I rubbed it and found out it was ink.

“These dishes aren’t gonna wash themselves. If you don’t wash them, you’ll just be bothered by the dirty dishes.” Oh yeah? Watch me.

Some of my friends need to moderate their gay.

I’m trying out this apple a day thing, and it’s not working. No matter how hard I throw, they’re just not doing enough damage to the doctor.

You would think that the lack of urinals would clue me in that I was in the wrong bathroom.

Optimus Prime is such a good actor. Wish he’d star in more movies other than Transformers.

I just saw the Time Traveler’s Wife, and there was no mention of a DeLorean anywhere in it. I call shenanigans.

I can’t wait to go boxing next week. I learned this new move on youtube I want to try out. It’s called “actually hitting your opponent.”

Wife wants to get a diamond peel. Don’t know what that is, but I suspect it’s got something to do with Edward Cullen.

I think it’s time to admit that contrary to popular opinion, I do not look all that good naked. Sorry ladies.

Papers said “WHO declares Flu Pandemic” And I was like “Great, now the papers are playing guessing games.”

You know what’s the quickest way to drive the storm away? Cancel classes.

Where I come from, we call it the 10 minute rule.

So there’s a Facebook quiz called “How annoying are you?” That should be easy: Are you taking this quiz? (Yes) Then you’re annoying.

What’s the difference between Hayden Kho and Bong Revilla? A videocam.

I’ve waited, and waited, and waited. I think it’s time to accept the fact that the Vengabus is NOT coming!

I like my women like I like my men. NO WAIT!