Imagine if you will the following scenarios:
1. It’s 2:47 PM. You’re at the office, typing up that report that’s due that afternoon. Suddenly a MAD MOTHERFUCKING NINJA SUPERGUY! crashes through your office window and demands that you turn over all of the company’s secrets otherwise he is going to give you all his secrets! (If you know anything about ninjas, you’d know that that’s ninja talk for planting his nunchucks in your ass.)
What do you do? WHAT. DO. YOU. DO?
2. Next. It’s 2:47 PM. You’re at the office, typing up that report that’s due that afternoon. Suddenly instead of a MAD MOTHERFUCKING NINJA SUPERGUY!, Bruce Willis comes crashing through your office window saying that the world is being taken over by terrorists and you’re the only one who can help him!
You volunteer to go back to your house, into your batcave, and go get all your specially designed atomic ray guns which proved to be the bane of all cats in the neighborhood. But Bruce Willis says that there’s no time! You volunteer to use your time machine, but Bruce Willis punches you in the face and says there’s no time even for that! All you have is a desk full of office supplies.
What do you do?! WHAT. DO. YOU. DO?!
3. Rachel Weisz walks into your office just as a MAD MOTHERFUCKING NINJA SUPERGUY! and Bruce Willis comes crashing through your window. The MAD MOTHERFUCKINGNINJA SUPERGUY wants all your company secrets, and Bruce Willis wants you to save the world!
But Rachel Weisz wants you to have unadulterated sex with her on your desk! But not just normal sex, she wants you to have sex with OFFICE GUNS!
What do you do?! WHAT. DO. YOU. DO?!
What I’ve just described are any of the many events that can happen to you on a normal work day. As such, the average desk jockey is not equipped to deal with such situations. I went across the country asking these same questions to every office worker I’ve encountered and found that 99% answered the questions by peeing in their pants. The remaining 1% answered by erupting into a gigantic fireball which cleared everything in a three block radius. When the smoke cleared, the interviewee emerged from the wreckage with his shirt torn in strategic places, displaying his rock hard abs to the world, and he had Rachel Weisz in tow. Yes ladies and gentlemen, that person was me.
Unfortunately, as the study had proven, not everyone is me.
But don’t despair my pant wetting friends. Now, there is an answer to all these questions! And the answer is called OFFICE GUNS!
Yes. With just a few office supplies that you were gonna steal anyway, you can construct your own weapons of mass destruction. From now on, you will never be caught with your pants around your ankles whenever a world threatening force comes your way.
Depending on your available supplies, you can build from an array of basic guns like:
For the more advanced office warriors, they also have a line of advanced guns:
Also, did I mention that these babies can punch right through a can?
Sweet. And I’m not even talking about Rachel Weisz yet.
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