Faded Boxers

In the old days, deciding on whether or not to watch a movie is easy. As long as it had explosions, car chases, naked breasts, and/or Bruce Willis, then it’s going to get the proverbial thumbs up from men everywhere. Take Die Hard for example. It had everything except car chases, and thus it was good.

Fortunately, the “no car chase” flaw was quickly dealt with in the sequel where John McClane YIPPY KA YAY MOTHERFUCKER’ed a whole airplane right straight to hell. Some stupid readers (sorry, I meant “smartly-challenged” or “retardedly-retarded” or “most women”) might ask “What does blowing up a plane have to do with car chases?”

Well I’ll tell you. Think of the plane driving The Car of Getting Whup-Assed. Then imagine the motherfuckin’ flame that came out of John McClane’s motherfuckin’ lighter that explodified the plane to be driving The Car of Bad Assed-ness that’s chasing the “other car” through the Streets of Awesome. Get it now?

Nowadays, men’s taste in movies have evolved to highly intellectual levels. While this article does not attempt to lay out an infallible set of guidelines in making a movie that men are sure to enjoy, it talks about the fact that what men want aren’t as simple as before.

To get right to it, let me point out that to list all the necessary ingredients like “explosions, car chases, naked breasts, etc.” and explain each point in detail would not only miss the point entirely; but it would also oversimplify the issue. Because, well, men are so complicated and deep. It’s not even fuckin’ funny as fuck! If us men were no better than our prehistoric forefathers, Hollywood producers need only to make a movie starring Jet Li and an Explosion to rake in the big bucks:

Unfortunately for Hollywood, men’s taste in movies are much more refined nowadays. Because of the popularity of movies like Lord of The Rings, we are secure enough in our own masculinity and awesomeness to appreciate such gay movies. And we all know that GAY=INTELLIGENT & REFINED. So thank you Peter Jackson for opening the floodgates of man’s intellectual renaissance of awesome.

Now where was I? Oh, yes. Making a movie filled with explosions and titties just doesn’t cut it anymore. Take for example Elektra and Catwoman. Theoretically, both movies have all the stuff that men love: two hours worth of women in skintight clothes fucking shit up. Surprisingly enough, both movies have been shunned at the box office by men and women alike.

Why?

Because these movies have forgotten that the men of today know how to think! In conceptualizing these movies, the writers have forgotten the one key ingredient that turns on men these days: Logic. Because in real life, no woman can kick a man’s ass through violence. Because violence is man’s territory. Men are so violent we can kick shit up even without thinking about it.

Observe:

Noel: Hey Pau, heard you got into a fight with Joe. What’s up with that?
Pau: He was being a bigger dick than I am. And I can’t stand that.
Noel: Ah. Well, I can’t blame you then.
Pau: Did….did you just call me a dick?! I’ll show you a dick motherfucker!

Men are deep now, and complex, and intellectual as shit. Also, violence is man’s territory. Of course women can whup a man’s ass, but they don’t do it through violence. They do it through years of of emotional, spiritual, and sexual blackmail, but that’s a whole new article altogether.

Aside from being intellectually smart, men are now learning how to be sensitive. Just the other day I spent two hours crying in the bathroom when the dough for my chicken pot pie wasn’t rising the way it should. That’s how sensitive I am. I’m so sensitive, girls would be falling in line to sleep with me. But I won’t take advantage of that. I’m more interested in talking about feelings, and the future, and dreams and shit.

So how should Hollywood producers cater to the neo male of the new millenium? Well, they should make a movie that’s sensitive, and intelligent, and refined. Like a movie starring Jet Li where he plays a gay bodyguard protecting a cat (because what can be more sensitive than caring for a kitty?) that witnessed a murder that implicates the highest people in the government.

Now that’s shit men would wanna watch.