On Office Presentations

Let me tell you something about office presentations. They don’t tell you anything that you don’t already know.

That’s right.

When was the last time that you went into a presentation and you told the presenter (presentationer? presentationist?) “Holy Shit! I was not aware of that important piece of information! How could I have been blind all these years? From now on, I will live my life according to what I have learned from you. Quick! Take off your pants and impregnate me with your genius!”

Futility of Presentations

I don’t know about you, but 99% of all office presentations I attended may as well have been called “An Hour With Captain Obvious.” The other 1% was a presentation about how I could get rich just by buying a package of cosmetics for only Php 12,000.00 and getting some of my friends to do the same. I’m still waiting to get rich from that one. Not because there’s a flaw in this direct selling system, but because I’m still working on making friends.

Oh we need to boost productivity while cutting down on costs you say? My, what a novel, yet laudable idea! Tell me more? Oh, and using the copy machine to send people pictures of your privates is only to be done during NEVER. I never realized that. So sorry. Say, do you think it’s a good idea to poke my eye out with this pen? No? Ok.

Powerpoint Helps

You know what makes presentations appear less like the waste of time that they are? Powerpoint. I don’t know what it is with Powerpoint slides, but as soon as I see them on the screen, I’m sold. Bonus points if the guy is using one of those laser pointer things. Everytime I see the presentation show a clipart of the guy reaching for a star, I’m convinced that the fate of this poor schmuck rests solely on my hands. And if I slack off even for a second, he will no longer be able to achieve his goal (as symbolized by the star that’s just beyond his reach).

And since I am writing this during work hours, I have just sealed his fate. What will happen to him now? Maybe he has a girlfriend who has been waiting for seven long years for him to pop the question. And he was just about to buy the ring before I went ahead and ruined their plans by not improving my productivity by 20%! They had plans of having kids called Sammy and Norma. Now they can’t have little Sammy and Norma anymore because he was laid off! Why? Because of me! His star will forever be out of his reach. I KILLED SAMMY AND NORMA!

How We Can Improve Our Presentations

Modesty dictates that I am not the first person to realize the futility of paying attention to such presentations. If the number of droopy eyes in any board meeting can tell you, we need to do a few things to keep the presentation industry alive.

How about we make our presentations more interesting by throwing in a few curve balls once in a while?:

“So while you’re making your sales pitch, it helps to keep in mind that cows may eat grass, but birds fly closer to the stars.”

“Leadership is like opening a door to a sea of turnips.”

“Good communication ends when proper hygiene begins.”

“Great adversity is diversified by the pursuit of ethnicity.”

“Remember our motto: Mexicans made freedom!”

Or if you’re not up to that, maybe you can incorporate what you have to say in a game of charades:

Boardmember #1: Ok, so the next word has four syllables? First syllable—-motor? Mother? Moth? Mot! Mot! Fuck yeah!

Boardmember #2: Second syllable. You’re drinking from a cup. Inside the cup? Coffee? Cup? Starbucks? Oh Tea! You’re drinking tea! YEAH!

Boardmember #3: Third syllable? You—you’re pointing to my stomach. You’re saying I’m pregnant? Oh, I’m fat? Is that it? I’m fat? I’ll show you fat you arrogant pompous—

Presenter: No! Wait! Please! The word is MOTIVATION! I’m not calling anybody fa——*sound of breaking bones, and gurgling sounds*

Do what the French Did

Or we can just face the truth and accept the fact that presentations are dumb and downright unnecessary. Maybe we should all sign a petition that bans the practice of presenting from all offices. There are much more productive ways to spend the day rather than sit in a boardroom not learning anything at all.

I put forward that we all sign a petition right now, to make the world see its folly. And since I have done exactly dick to prepare for my presentation tomorrow because I spent my time writing this, I would appreciate it if we can put some snap into signing that petition. Thanks.

Tags: humor, presentations

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 20th, 2007 at 8:25 pm and is filed under Musings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.