Faded Boxers

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

–Mitch Hedberg

As a result of my Psoriasis, my scalp is perenially covered with lesions or wounds. Before I was diagnosed, I was wrongfuly mislead into thinking that this breakout was a result of me lying down on some highly questionable bedding materials. Either that or just a freakish side effect of masturbating in strangers’ shoes.

Anyway, I treated my scalp wounds in much the same way as any normal guy would: I ignored them for two months, hoping they’d go away. When my head started to feel like it was made entirely of nipples, I started to get worried.

I thought Ok, don’t panic. They’re just flesh wounds. So what if my head feels like a 2-week old pizza? Mmmmm, pizza. Man, I could kill for some pizza right now. I wonder if that pizza place is still open? Oh, I forgot I can’t go there anymore because of the restraining order.

…

Mmmm, doughnuts.

After a couple of hours of that, I decided to take action: I bought some doughnuts I grabbed a bottle of Betadine and proceeded to splash it all over my head. And I felt better.

I did that for two weeks until I finally went to the doctor who told me not to do it again.

“Don’t do it again,” she said.

Fast forward a couple a months to the present. My head has somewhat healed. Which is a shame really, I kinda miss playing with all those extra nipples. Unfortunately, my small experiment with Betadine had an unexpected side effect. One which was made clear to me just last week when some of my co workers commented on how my “new hair color” suits me.

What. The. Fuck!

Hair color? I never had my hair colored. I’d be the last person in the world to ever use any hair coloring products. I rushed to the nearest mirror and true enough, if I position my head just so, you’d notice that my hair would give off just a tiny amount of glow. It’s barely noticeable, but it’s there.

The color is kinda hard to describe, but if farts were visible, they’d be colored as such. Thank you Betadine for making me look like the guy who delivers our morning paper.

The worst part is, people think that I colored my hair on purpose. Just the other day, we were meeting with one of our clients, and they had a new member of their team that was extremely easy on the eyes. As introductions were flying all around, she took one look at me and quickly looked away without even acknowledging my presence.

It was either the color of my hair or the fact that I was pointing to her, then at my crotch, then at her.

But I’m pretty sure it was the hair.