Pau's Guide to Proper Cellphone Care

If you’re not following me on Twitter, you probably don’t know that I recently lost my phone. Unfortunately for me, I did not have this guide which you are reading now to instruct me in properly taking care of your phone. So I took it upon myself to construct this guide to help others who might find themselves in a similar situation.

STEP 1: Don’t Be Me

Now this is very important. A lot of rookies make this mistake. I certainly did.  If you check and realize that you happen to be me, then you’re pretty much fucked. Not only do you have a penchant for losing shit, but your inadequacies in the bedroom knows no bounds. If I were you (which I probably am, if you’ve gotten this far), then I would work long and hard to not be me.

STEP 2: Learn to Go Back in Time

If you were able to avoid being me, then good for you. However, for the select few who are stuck being me, then there’s hope for you yet. No, I don’t mean that you’ll magically exhibit the talent of not losing shit, but I’ll give you the next best thing: Time Traveling!

Since you have no choice but to remain me, then you will invariably keep losing shit: glasses, phones, shirts, pants, even while you’re wearing them. Experts have tried to find a way to teach you/me to stop losing shit. But according to them, it would be “easier to teach women to drive.”

So you’re just going to have to accept the fact that no matter what you do, you will invariably lose shit. One time, I fell down a manhole and the guy I was walking with at the time, didn’t even notice I was gone.  That has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I just remembered it now, and I realized that I could have used a little sympathy then, so now I’ve got issues.

Anyway, time travel. Try to learn how it works. If you do, you might get back some of the things you lost. Like that little brother you sold to some balut vendors that fateful day.

On the matter of actually achieving time travel, well I’m still working on that. I tried everything from running around the Earth as fast as possible to change its rotation. Unfortunately, there were too many Chowkings on the way which slowed me down.

But research shows that the best way to time travel is to act normally so as not to arouse Father Time’s suspicions, and then simply forget to move forward in time.

Step 3: Smaller is Better

Why smaller? To better fit in your anus, silly!

I mean think about it, if you were a cellphone thief, where’s the best place to hide your daily take without attracting suspicion? Exactly.

Yes he's pretty. PRETTY FULL OF CELLPHONES!!!

So in order to prevent being liberated of such stuff as your wallet, cellphone, or a pineapple, you gotta think like a thief, and hide it in the last place where he wouldn’t think that you would: IN THE FIRST PLACE HE WOULD!

Step 4: But if You Do Happen to Still Lose Stuff

The first thing I did after finding out that I lost my phone (aside from panic) is to tell my telco to block any outgoing calls made from my number. That way, the only calls made to 1-800hotmale or 1-8001sheep are the ones made by you!

Now that takes care of the sim, but what about the handset? Simply download and fill out this form, and file it at the nearest NTC office.

I filed mine on a Wednesday, and I was told that by Monday, the handset would be blocked. When I called the NTC, I was assured that my handset was indeed blocked, and no number of trips to Greenhills will render the phone usable again.

I found that the NTC was quite efficient in this aspect, but the cynic in me (and by that, I mean that as I’m typing this, I’m being fucked by a man who keeps asking “Are you sure you’re a chick?”) thinks that whoever has my phone can and will find a way to find a use for it. Like, anally.

Step 5:  Stop Losing Shit

This may not have occurred to most of you, but you wouldn’t be needing this guide if you simply made a decision to stop losing your stuff.

“But Pau! We always lose shit!”

Well, then I leave you with this sage advice which will resonate for generations to come because of its, um, sageness:

Don’t.

You’re welcome.