“Pau! I came as soon as I got your message. It sounded urgent. What’s wrong?” Rach asked as she arrived at my house. She surveyed her surroundings, somewhere among the wreckage of what used to be my room, she finally found me under an overturned bookcase. “What’s wrong?!” she repeated.
“It—it’s my iPod,” I managed to blurt out in between sobs.
“You—I—-WHAT?” It’s a small consolation seeing her as stunned as I am over the situation. “I ran out a very important meeting over an iPod?!” Apparently I have a problem discerning between “pissed” and “stunned.”
“I would cut short your head over my iPod!” In my defense, I really love my iPod.
She took a deep breath, counted to 47, and stopped turning purple long enough to ask me “Fine, what’s wrong with it?”
“It won’t work!”
“It must be the batteries. Have you tried charging it?”
“Don’t trivialize my problems woman! My iPod is doing it on purpose!”
“Pau, what are you on?” She asked as she slowly tries to move any sharp object from within my reach.
“She’s doing it on purpose! She’s going on strike! Luouella is doing this to hurt me!”
“Why on Earth would—you call your iPod Luouella?”
“It reminds me of a less complicated time.”
“Anyway, why on earth would it—she do this on purpose?”
“She’s getting back at me for forgetting to play She Loves My Cock yesterday.
It was around this time that Rach suddenly remembered she had something more important to do. Something about staying the hell away from me. Anyway, now that I’m left to my own devices, I decided to take a proactive step in solving my problem. I will no longer be held captive by Luouella’s wily ways. I shall replace her. Yes, that’ll show her.
So I searched the internet for a worthy replacement, but alas, the information that I require cannot be found. Not even so called Comprehensive MP3 Player Comparisons can tell me what I need to know.
Once again, I must depend on myself for the answer. So owing to hours and hours of research, and my knack for shoplifting without feeling any guilt, I have finally tried and tested several MP3 players so like minded individuals in the same predicament may benefit from my experience.
I bring to you now: PAU’S MP3 PLAYER COMPARISON!
The first mp3 player which I tried out was the iRiver H10 20GB. The first thing I noticed about it is its squared corners. Off the bat, I knew that this was going to be a problem. Much as I now hate my iPod for quitting on me, what I appreciate about its design is its rounded corners. This makes it easy for me to insert it in my anus. The hold button is also well thought of because an involuntary butt clench at an inopportune time could result in unwanted song skippage.
If you’re anything like me, you hate having bulky pockets, and usually resort to storing things in your anus like calculators, cellphones, car keys, cheese, and yes MP3 players.
I also noticed that the stock earphones don’t have long enough cables. Seeing as how these cables barely reach from my head to my butt, I will be forced to lean backwards if I want to listen to my music as my MP3 player is stored safely in my buttcrack. This will most certainly make me look like an idiot doing the limbo rock whenever I’m listening to it.
I’m afraid the designers of the iRiver forgot about our demographic. Well we’ll see who has the last laugh when they lose the MP3 race as far as Butt Baggers (Our Motto: “iPod My Ass!”) are concerned. We caused the fall of the Discman, and we can do the same for the iRiver.
Next up is the Creative Zen Vision:M 30 GB. This one gets plus points for not having sharp corners. Unfortunately, I am bothered by small glide pad which is used to navigate through the various controls and songs contained by the MP3 player. It will never adequately accommodate my cock.
How they expect me to skip songs or switch from one equalizer preset to another if my cock can’t even fit in the space allotted I’ll never know. If they think I’m going to use my fingers to manipulate the controls then they’ve got another thing coming. I’ve gotten used to “the hands free” lifestyle that my iPod afforded me, and I don’t think I can go back to doing it like other people do it; especially since I’ve just learned how to switch between tracks when I’m not in the room.
And by that I’m implying that I have a huge cock. Just so we’re clear.
The previous two MP3 players proved to be duds, but I’m hoping the Toshiba Gigabeat 30 GB MP3 player can break the trend.
Unfortunately, just like the Creative Zen unit, its controls aren’t very “cock friendly.” So once again I am foiled in my attempt to find a replacement for Luouella. Still, since I went through the trouble of stealing it, I may as well go ahead with my review of the unit.
This player is smaller and lighter than my iPod which poses a problem because it may not prove valuable in hand to hand combat.
I tried bringing it along in some of my crime fighting activities (When I say crime, I mean those that aren’t committed by me. I fight crime to atone for crimes committed a few minutes earlier.), and sad to say, it doesn’t do much damage. I tried hitting would be criminals with it, but they fail to deliver the extra “oomph” that my iPod had.
It’s not exactly the kind of weapon that strikes fear in the hearts of evildoers everywhere. At most it serves as a minor annoyance.
Conclusion:
It appears that I will never escape Luouella’s grasp. Even in death, she continues to mock me with inferior MP3 players. Oh, how you toy with me so Luouella.
Also, I noticed a functionality found in these three players that isn’t present in my iPod; their ability to play songs from radio stations. Now why would these players have FM Radio function while the iPod does not? After a lot of moments of contemplation, I’ve finally reached the conclusion that these players are somehow the products of witchcraft.
I’m sorry, but I try to stay away from things that run on SATAN.
Epilogue:
Also, apparently Rach was right. She got my iPod working again. It just needed a bit of charging.
Good day.
Where’s the MS Zune review? The tae brown looks hot!