Faded Boxers

There are several things that never fail to amaze me about women. Among them are:

• How they always smell good even after a long day at the office.
• How it is absolutely impossible to win in an argument with them.
• How they can cry seemingly on command.
• And how they have this uncontrollable urge to revisit their day in every excruciating detail by telling it to anybody unfortunate enough to be within earshot. The unwitting listener here is usually the boyfriend, husband, or roommate.

Feel free to chew on that last point for a few minutes because it’s the most important. I think most arguments and fights that erupt between couples is due to how differently both parties approach verbal communication.

To understand this, one must look at how men and women view the act of talking.

What is talking to them?
For a woman, talking is a means to relieve stress, to relax, to keep informed, and to hear her own voice.

A guy on the other hand sees talking as a chore. For him, talking is one of the necessary evils one must learn to live with like taxes, long lines at the bank, and expiration dates on food.

It’s one of those tiresome steps that you have to take before you get to have sex. Dinner, Talk, and then Sex. The last one is the reward for having to go through the first two steps.

There is a reason why older men have taken to using a language comprised of grunts and groans as a primary means of communication. They’ve already had sex with their wives. They don’t need to pretend they’re interested anymore.

Then why do men ask how your day was?
Having learned all this new information, the question that will come next will probably be “Then why does my man ask how my day was?”

Well, I’ll tell you. When a man asks about your day, he’s only interested in learning about the following things:

• How much money you spent this time.
• If you got fired.
• If you’ve killed anyone.
• If so, does he have to go in hiding with you.
• If you brought home beer/hot dogs/burgers/pizza, etc.

If what you have to say don’t have anything to do with any of the above, then it would be best to limit your answer to something like “It was ok.” That’s it. Don’t talk about that dress you saw. Don’t talk about how your co worker was mean to you. Don’t talk about how much weight you’ve gained. And don’t ever, ever, under no circumstances, talk about getting a perm.

If you really want to make your man the happiest man in the world, just say “Honey, I’m tired. I don’t feel like talking about the day I had. I think I’ll just have a nice long bath.” And wait for him to jump for joy just when he thinks you’re not looking. This reply, however, comes second only to the ever elusive “Honey, what do you think about a threesome?”

So what do you want me to do now?
Nothing, absolutely nothing. You are a woman. The world is your oyster. It is an unavoidable universal law that you will eventually get your way. If you make a vow that from this day on, you will never talk your man’s ear off, we all know that there is no way in hell that you are keeping that promise.

Your man may enjoy the peace and quiet for the first few days, but sooner or later guilt sets in and he’ll be the one to initiate a conversation with you. If not guilt, then a need to have sex again—whichever comes first.

All I’m saying is give your man a break once in a while. Put yourself in his shoes. He’s working his butt off to be able to buy you the stuff you like. He has to put on an act that he’s got everything figured out, and that nothing fazes him. Also, as if that wasn’t enough, he has to put all his remaining energy into not hitting on his boss’ hot administrative assistant. Because believe it or not, fidelity is still a trait that men (at least the good ones) aspire to have.

All he wants to do when he gets home is to watch TV, make sure you’ve had an OK day, and go to bed.

So what’s in it for me?
Probably not much. Let’s face it. Men are pigs. We probably won’t even notice if your lips are about to explode from holding your mouth shut. In most probability, we’ll just shrug it off and think that it’s just a “girl thing.”

However, there will come one of those rare occassions when he finds time to hang out with his boys. They will be at their poker table downing beer after beer. Their topic will inevitably shift to their women and how such big nags they can be. Then maybe, just maybe, he’ll sit back and realize how amazing his woman truly is.