Tag Archive for 'fiction'

How To Work Out

Published
by
Pau
on May 13, 2007
in Uncategorized
. 0 Comments

The other day, on The Man Blog forum, we have been asked to give pointers on how work out. And as is usual, we took a picture of my butt and sent it to that person’s grandmother with a letter that says

Dear Mrs. N00b’s Grandma,

We’re sorry to tell you that you have a growth which we in the medical field like to call an ‘ass tumor’ growing at the back of your neck.

Sucks to be you,
Dr. Scientist.

Booyah.

Anyway, the other day I realized just how I wanted to be able to tell my wife some interesting stories for a change apart from the usual ones that always seem to start out with:

“Today I learned that our neighbors’ car alarm actually works.”

or

“Today I learned that the phrase ‘over my dead body’ is not meant to be taken literally.”

or

“Today I learned that crime does not pay.”
Continue reading ‘How To Work Out’

Dear Mr. Internets

Published
by
Pau
on March 29, 2007
in Uncategorized
. 0 Comments

Internets!Dear Mr. Internets,

First of all I’d like to congratulate you on your very successful invention. Before the Internet came along, I wouldn’t have learned very useful things like how to resolve conflicts at work, how to build my own wood cabin, and masturbation. To donkey porn.

Now I know you’re a very busy man so I’ll just get right to the point of my letter. As you may already know, I have recently lost my iPod. I’m sure you might have heard about that because I put it on the Internets through another one of your inventions, my Web Log, or “a blog,” as it is sometimes called. Silly me, of course you know about this because you are Mr. Internets!

Anyway, as you may also know, I am a man of very limited means. I do not come from a rich family, and as such, it is not uncommon for me to scrimp on some things in order to be able to afford even the most basic necessities. And my son understands that a high school education as well as one of his kidneys are simply luxuries we can’t afford right now. So in light of what I’ve said so far, I’m sure your heart goes out to me that such a heavy loss has befallen me (I’ll tell you about how I lost my Gold Rolex Watch in another email).

If you’re anything like me, you’d probably be asking yourself at this point why this email was sent to you. Also, you’re maybe sticking a finger or two up your butt, but that’s beside the point. You see I realized that in order to replace my beloved iPod, the only thing for me to do is become rich. It’s such a simple solution I know, and I guess the only excuse I have for not thinking of it sooner is because I was probably busy beating up my children and making it look like my wife did it.

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Pau’s MP3 Player Comparison

Published
by
Pau
on September 26, 2006
in Uncategorized
. 1 Comment

“Pau! I came as soon as I got your message. It sounded urgent. What’s wrong?” Rach asked as she arrived at my house. She surveyed her surroundings, somewhere among the wreckage of what used to be my room, she finally found me under an overturned bookcase. “What’s wrong?!” she repeated.

“It—it’s my iPod,” I managed to blurt out in between sobs.

“You—I—-WHAT?” It’s a small consolation seeing her as stunned as I am over the situation. “I ran out a very important meeting over an iPod?!” Apparently I have a problem discerning between “pissed” and “stunned.”

“I would cut short your head over my iPod!” In my defense, I really love my iPod.

She took a deep breath, counted to 47, and stopped turning purple long enough to ask me “Fine, what’s wrong with it?”

“It won’t work!”

“It must be the batteries. Have you tried charging it?”

“Don’t trivialize my problems woman! My iPod is doing it on purpose!”

“Pau, what are you on?” She asked as she slowly tries to move any sharp object from within my reach.

“She’s doing it on purpose! She’s going on strike! Luouella is doing this to hurt me!”

“Why on Earth would—you call your iPod Luouella?”

“It reminds me of a less complicated time.”

“Anyway, why on earth would it—she do this on purpose?”

“She’s getting back at me for forgetting to play She Loves My Cock yesterday.

It was around this time that Rach suddenly remembered she had something more important to do. Something about staying the hell away from me. Anyway, now that I’m left to my own devices, I decided to take a proactive step in solving my problem. I will no longer be held captive by Luouella’s wily ways. I shall replace her. Yes, that’ll show her.

So I searched the internet for a worthy replacement, but alas, the information that I require cannot be found. Not even so called Comprehensive MP3 Player Comparisons can tell me what I need to know.

Once again, I must depend on myself for the answer. So owing to hours and hours of research, and my knack for shoplifting without feeling any guilt, I have finally tried and tested several MP3 players so like minded individuals in the same predicament may benefit from my experience.

I bring to you now: PAU’S MP3 PLAYER COMPARISON!

Continue reading ‘Pau’s MP3 Player Comparison’