I’ve always been fascinated by stand up comics, and while I enjoy all kinds, I prefer all those comics who can deliver killer one liners. Mitch Hedberg, Demetri Martin, and Mike Birbiglia (Youtube these guys, you won’t regret it) are just some of the many comedians I try to emulate whenever I Tweet and/or update my Facebook status.
Below are just a couple of the stuff I came up with that got generally positive reactions from my friends. Some of these are reactions to whatever’s going on in current events, and that dates these jokes. But I still believe that despite that, they can stand on their own:
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Sometimes, I like to leave a piece of chocolate lying around. And then take it away after a few minutes. Just to give ants false hopes.
I don’t believe in using knives. If that piece of meat is too big to fit in my mouth, then my mouth will have to be the one to adjust.
When Chavit Singson first met Che Tiongson, he said “I’d hit that.” And then he did.
I think the worst place to have an epileptic seizure is at a rave party.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But I don’t think it should be too cocky. It only had to beat two other meals.
It’s getting harder to meet new people now that they put dividers between urinals.
I can satisfy a room full of women at the same time. Just by leaving the room.
You know what sucks? Vacuum cleaners.
How the fuck am I supposed to read the Bible if these fuckers keep posting spoilers?
I finally found out guys’ equivalent to PMS, and it’s called “Credit Card Bill Day.”
Sometimes I wish I lived in a vacuum. I don’t mean in isolation, but an actual vacuum. That would be awesome.
While Twitter was down, I had a hard time telling random people what I had for breakfast.
I like my women like I like my coffee: full of drugs.