The Case Of The Butterfly Stain: A TMB Mystery

“ALRIGHT. WHO’S THE ASSHOLE WHO FUCKING GAVE ME A FUCKING BUTTERFLY?!” I asked the guys nicely.

Blank stares answered me. And a few thumbs up some asses. In some cases two.

“A butterfly, Pau?” asked Baddie.

“Yes, a butter–fucking–fly. Did I stutter?” The guys shifted uncomfortably, each of them waiting for somebody else to answer.

“Well no Pau,” Coco interjected. “If you stuttered, we would have heard you say ‘Butt—butt-butt-butt-butterfly!’ AMIRITE?!” The severity of my glare told me that he was indeed, “not rite.”

“I’M GOING TO START COUNTING—” I went on.

“And we’re going to start dancing.” continued Bim. Or rather, that’s what he tried to say before I punched him in the neck. In reality, what he said was “And we’re going to start—OW OW OW JESUS PEDRO CHRIST!”

“Now then. I’m going to ask again. Nicely this time. Which one of you sensible idiots gave me this fucking butterfly?” I said, with much restraint.

“You mean as a pet?” asked Peter.

“No.”

“A butterfly bed sheet?” inquired Fritz.

“No.”

“You got a butterfly-themed shirt? And flowers?” asked Squid.

“No. And Hell No!”

“Then what then?! asked Mikey, exasperated. Well not exactly. You see Mikey suffers from a condition called “Alwus Highus” which prevents him from experiencing any emotion other than elation.

“You guys really don’t know?” I asked them incredulously.

“Sorry man, but we don’t know what has your panties in a twist,” said Steel as he fondled Ade‘s tits.

I sighed and moved closer to them. “Take a good hard look at my face, and tell me what you see.”

“I never knew your nose was that pudgy.”

“Wow, your cheeks are like taking over your face. Maybe you should find a place where your nose and mouth can move to.”

“Christ, Pau, your breath is so vile. It’s a wonder your teeth haven’t committed suicide yet.”

“Holy shit! You have a Butterfly on your face!” exclaimed Coco.

“Finally, thanks Coco.” I acknowledged. True enough, there was a a red mark covering most of my face roughly in the shape of a butterfly. I wasn’t surprised that it took them this long to notice it. The TMB guys were never known for their observational skills. Also, hygiene.

“I don’t understand Pau,” asked Bim. “I mean sure somebody played with your face, probably while you were sleeping. But I see no reason for you to be all manner of angry over it. Look at you rocking that shit. Lookin’ all Ultimate Warrior in that bitch.”

“You guys are kidding me right? You’ve never given or been given a Butterfly before?” Everybody shook their heads, except for Mikey. He simply gnawed on his shirt. Which, if you knew Mikey, meant that he was shaking his head. “Well, giving a butterfly is when you pull down your pants, and sit on somebody’s face really really hard; hard enough to leave a mark. Do you understand now?”

Silence greeted me at first. I waited while realization took its sweet time arriving in their areas of responsibility.

“Oh a BUTTerfly! I get it now!” exclaimed Peter. His elation, while shared by the others, was short lived as it was quickly followed by “EEEEEEEeeeeewww!”

“So, none of you are admitting to doing this? Am I going to have to smack all of you at once?” I threatened.

“Seriously man, we don’t know what you’re talking about. It couldn’t have been any of us, we were here the whole time. While you were in the bedroom getting some sleep.” Fritz said.

“None of that! I’m sure that the culprit is right here among us and I’m pretty sure who it is!”

DUN DUN DUUUUN!

*****

Help Pau figure out who the culprit is:

• Mikey – Pau’s cousin. He has always hated Pau for having a name that’s easier to spell.
• Peter – Peter once lost 50,000.00 in Man Dollars to Pau for losing in their “I would masturbate to anything, no matter how ugly it is” challenge. Peter was unable to get an erection for a picture of a toilet bowl.
• Bim – Bim was heinously embarrassed in a party once when he challenged Pau to a “Pau Lookalike” contest. He lost because he looked nothing like Pau. Incidentally, Pau won.
• Baddie – Baddie has always blamed Pau for the Ozone layer. Not the hole in the Ozone, but the layer itself. Baddie hates the Ozone layer.
• Coco – Coco is simply disappointed that Pau didn’t turn out to be his biological neighbor.
• Ade – Ade choses to hate Pau because everybody says so.
• Steel – Steel hasn’t forgiven Pau for the time when Pau didn’t attend his birthday party. Because Pau wasn’t invited. Because Steel really hates Pau.
• Squid – Pau once saved Squid’s life when Squid was being raped by a pack of bears in the forest. Pau saved Squid by raping the bears himself, thereby leaving them all sexually satisfied that they no longer had any interest for Squid. Squid is still mad because he was the only one who didn’t have sex that night.
• Fritz – Fritz always went out with the hottest chicks, had the best clothes, and had the best gadgets. But Fritz hates Pau because Pau doesn’t care.

Forward this link to all your friends, and the answer will be magically sent to your mailbox! IT’S TRUE!