Faded Boxers

The average Man Blog reader has the attention span of a 6-year-old with the penis size to match. So subjecting him to a 2-and-a-half hour movie like The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe would probably not end well.

In fact we’ve gotten reports that a Man Blog reader was found climbing the walls of a local movie theater that was screening the movie. He was naked, and was talking to a hand puppet fashioned out of a popcorn carton. “They can never come between us Carolinaaaah!” I believe his words were before they were able to get him down again. At that time, the movie hadn’t even started yet.

So in the hopes of avoiding such incidents of separating men from their true love (I’ll get them back for killing my Carolina), I present to you The 5 minute Narnia movie!

With apologies to Rod Hilton:

—–

FADE IN:

EXT. A BIG OLD HOUSE - DAY

THE PEVENSIE CHILDREN are bored.

               PETER
     Hi, I'm Peter. I'm the oldest
     among my brother and sisters. I am
     also the worst actor in the whole
     movie. Yes, a movie that contains
     50% CGI actors. I am so not having
     a career after this movie. It's
     true!

               SUSAN
     Hi, I'm Susan. I do absolutely
     nothing in this movie but try to
     look grown up--which wouldn't be
     so challenging if I actually had
     tits.

               EDMUND
     I'm Edmund. I look like a girl.

               LUCY
     OMGSOCUTESIE!!!

Suddenly, all four kids go inside the wardrobe with very little
provocation and are magically transported to NARNIA!

               PEVENSIES
     FUCK! IT'S COLD!

               MR. TUMNUS
     I think I may be gay.

               PEVENSIES
     It's true!

Suddenly, the WHITE WITCH shows up on a sled made from the
flesh of A HUNDRED SCREAMING ORPHANS.

               WHITE WITCH
     There is a PROPHECY that I will be
     killed by humans. Because of this,
     I will concoct an evil plan that
     hinges on only one of the PEVENSIE
     children. I choose Edmund because
     he looks like a GIRL.

               EDMUND
     FUCK!

               WHITE WITCH
     Also, I'll fool him into thinking
     I'm good by giving him cake!

               EDMUND
     HELL YEAH!

               RANDOM NARNIAN ANIMALS (to the remaining children)
     Not to worry! We'll help you!

               PETER
          (Acting woodenly)
     Wait, you guys can talk?

               RANDOM NARNIAN ANIMALS
     Not only that, we also DON'T
     BLEED! Check out the final battle
     scenes if you don't believe us.

               LUCY
     OMGSOCUTESIE!

The RANDOM NARNIAN ANIMALS bring the PEVENSIES to ASLAN, the
true king of Narnia.

               RANDOM NARNIAN ANIMALS
     I present to you, ASLAN!

               ASLAN
     My character is a veiled attempt
     to put SYMBOLISM and a THEME into
     the story.

               SUSAN
     Huh?

               ASLAN
     I'm totally JESUS! And I do things
     JESUS-LY.

               PEVENSIES
     Then we're saved! HUGZZZ!

               ASLAN
     Nuh-uh. Because I plan on dying
     halfway through the picture.
     JESUS-LY.

               PEVENSIES
     CRAP! UN-HUGZZZ!

EXT. THE WHITE WITCH'S CASTLE - NIGHT

               EDMUND
     I have now seen the error of my
     ways.The WHITE WITCH isn't good
     afterall. Also, she didn't give me
     cake.

     I need to escape!

               WHITE WITCH
     Fool! I'll never let you escape.
     My plans of taking over Narnia
     depends entirely on you being
     here! So I will expend all my
     forces in making sure you don't
     escape!

The WHITE WITCH assigns one lame-assed dwarf to guard
EDMUND.

               EDMUND
     Your evil knows no bounds! I must
     escape!

     (he does)

               WHITE WITCH
     CURSES!

EXT. ASLAN'S CAMP - DAY

EDMUND meets with ASLAN

               EDMUND
     You must forgive me!

               ASLAN
     Why?

               EDMUND
     Because you're Jesus! 

               ASLAN
     Totally!

               EDMUND
     And I symbolize man and his errant ways.
     I've also successfully conveyed
     REGRET with my sorrowful
     expression!

               ASLAN
     Egads, you're right! I must do the
     JESUS-LY thing to do and forgive
     you!

               PEVENSIES
     HOORAY!

The WHITE WITCH arrives at the camp.

               WHITE WITCH
     EDMUND is a traitor! Now I must
     ask for his blood so ASLAN has no
     choice but to give up his own life
     to save EDMUND'S. Thereby making
     sure that even the stupidest
     member of the audience realizes
     that ASLAN is TOTALLY JESUS!

               ASLAN
     FUCK! I'm dead!

     (Dies JESUS-LY)

     Holy FUCK! I'm alive again!

               PEVENSIES
     HOORAY! HUGZ!!!

An epic battle ensues where PETER and EDMUND prove they're
not gay and SUSAN and LUCY do NOTHING. Also, nobody fucking
BLEEDS.

               WHITE WITCH
     I cast my level 15 FROST SHOCK on
     you ASLAN!

               ASLAN
     Your FROST SHOCK is no match to my
     LEVEL 20 BADASS ROAR and my LEVEL
     BAZILLION WAVY MANE WHIPLASH!

The WHITE WITCH dies.

               WHITE WITCH
     Also, I am so NOT HOT! Ho! HO! Get
     it? Not Ho---Ah screw you all.

     (dies in a so not hot way)

               PEVENSIES
     HOORAY!

               AUDIENCE
     OMGSOCUTESIE!

                                             FADE OUT.