Faded Boxers

On The Invitations

Me: I’d like a 6-page fold-out so it can appropriately accommodate a picture of my cock. But the invitations for our parents don’t need to put much emphasize on my genitalia so I guess a 3-page fold-out will have to do.

Rach: Pau, we talked about this. The invitations will not feature a picture of your cock. And even if it did, we hardly need a 6-page fold—

Me: And I want some hairy bristles on the corner to represent my pubes. But make sure the bristles are made of steel. You know, for realism.

Rach: That’s it. We’re leaving. I knew it was a bad idea bringing you along to choose the wedding invitations.

Me: Hold on. I still can’t decide what font which would best go with “Rock Out With Your Cock Out!”

On The Wedding Rings

Jeweller: Ok, what would you like to have engraved on your rings?

Me: “Born To Be My Baby.”

Rach: Pau, I thought I told you that we will not have a Bon Jovi themed wedding?

Me: Ok. “Never Say Goodbye.”

Rach: That’s still a Bon Jovi song.

Me: Really? I never knew! How about “Always”?

Rach: Ok fine.

Me: REALLY?!

Rach: No.

Me: FUCK!

Jeweller: (Clears throat) Anyway, I can have your rings ready by Tuesday. So that’s around ten thousand bucks for two rings—

Me: But we need three.

Rach: Three?

Me: Yeah. One for you. One for me. And one for The Conquistador.

Jeweller: The Conquistador?

Rach: It’s what he calls his peepee.

Me: Woman. How many times do I have to tell you that such a nickname is unworthy of being associated with THE CONQUISTADOR?!

Rach: But the phrase “THE CONQUISTADOR” is already twice as long as your peepee.

Me: …..

On The Cake

Me: Um Rach?

Rach: Hell. No.

On The Attire

Designer: Ma’am?

Rach: Yes?

Designer: Well we’ve been talking here for over three hours and your fiancé hasn’t said a single word.

Rach: Oh don’t mind him. He’s just giving me the silent treatment over a disagreement we had on the way here.

Designer: May I ask what it is? It looks kinda serious. I mean he’s almost in tears.

Me: (To dressmaker) Please tell her that I’m not speaking to her until she allows me to wear pants with a cock hole.

Designer: A cock hole?

Me: You know, so THE CONQUISTADOR can have room to breathe.

Designer: Get out.

On The Priest

Rach: Father, I’m going to have to ask you not to heed any of my fiancé’s request.

Priest: But it’s his wedding too. I make it a point to officiate the wedding in the way that the couple envisioned it.

Me: Awesome! For starters, instead of addressing you simply as “Father” during the ceremony, we’re going to call you “Father Munchcock.” And about the robe, have you given any thought to rhinestones?

Priest: Get out.

Me: But I haven’t told you about the frogs yet!

On The Music

Choir Leader: So what will be our wedding march?

Me: She Loves My Cock:

powered by ODEORach: No.

Choir Leader: (To Rach) Tell me again; why are you marrying him?

Me: ‘Coz she loves my cock baby!

Rach: (Buries face in her hands) Oh God!