Have you ever wondered what it was like before books were invented? People would have to tell their stories verbally. Can you imagine how many people we’d have walking around with authors telling them stories? Can you imagine how noisy our libraries were? Nobody would get any studying done! Then there would be the issue of checking out these authors from the library. A popular story would mean the author would be covered with “Return on date…” stamps. Think about the poor author and his skyrocketing dry cleaning bills.
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But then again, this set up does have the advantage of giving you a built in alert to return your book:
“Uh dude?”
“Yep?”
“Don’t you think it’s time to return me to the library now?”
“Oh crap. But I haven’t finished listening to your story yet.”
“That’s because you fall asleep whenever I talk.”
“Can I help it if your story is boring? I mean, we’re halfway done and you still haven’t gotten to the part with the naked chicks yet.”
“B—but it’s The Velveteen Rabbit. There aren’t any chicks in it!”
“Holy Shit! I thought you were a book about a Playboy Bunny!”
“No it’s not. Sorry.”
“Uh dude?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m kinda swamped with school work.” [Points to the other authorbooks lounging around the room] “Do you think maybe you can return yourself to the library? Thanks.”
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Then when you enter a bookstore, you’d have all these authors sitting on the shelves just waiting to be bought:
“Buy me! Buy me! I can tell you a story about a dude who hunts this whale!”
“Don’t buy him! My story is a narrative about the last days of the Titanic!”
“Yeah like we all don’t know what’s going to happen there!”
“You sonofabitch! Your hero dies at the end and never catches the whale!”
“SHOWER OF FUCKING CUNTS! YOU SHUT UP!”
“Buy me! I will suck the fluids from your eyeballs through your penis!”
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Then how are you supposed to impress other people by the thickness of a book you’re reading? Does it mean you have to get a really fat author?
Authorbook of Crime & Punishment.
If so, how the hell is he supposed to fit in your bag?
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How about when you’re reading an erotic story? When it gets to a particularly steamy scene and you want to rub one off, how are you supposed to do it when there’s a big fat dude talking in the room? Do you ask him to leave? But if you do, then what’s going to turn you on?
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Then you wouldn’t be sure about the validity of the story you’re listening to because it’s susceptible to change:
“So here’s a story about Cinderella…”
“I don’t want to hear that! I already know how that ends! They find her by making all the ladies wear the glass slipper she left!”
“Oh—well did they tell you about the awesome helicopter fight? And how the glass slipper was really her uncle Charlie whom everybody thought was dead?!”
“Holy Shit!”
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It boggles the mind doesn’t it? So hurray for books! Yay!
Man, this is good weed. Hey, have you ever imagined how the world was like if they hadn’t invented weed yet?
Get J.K Rowling, smoke weed with her, and enjoy a more trippy Harry Potter story! She’ll be like “And then there’s this hat, right? It’s a hat, BUT IT TALKS. It’s a talking hat!” and you’ll be like “WTF it talks?! So you’re saying it’s a hat, but it’s no ordinary hat? It’s a TALKING hat?! Sweet!” and then both of you’ll be like “HAHAHAHA *snort* *giggle* *snort* HAHAHAHA”
Then I want half her royalty pay!
Made me wonder what it’s gonna be like if porn DVD’s were not invented. It’d be all noisy in my room whenever I watch Playboy - Wet & Wild Locker Room!