Why I hated Transformers : Revenge of the Fallen

First of all, don’t give me that “Dude, it’s a summer movie. You just need to turn off your brain so you can enjoy it.” That’s bullshit. A movie, no matter how far removed from reality its premise is, should always work within the confines of its internal logic.

Second of all, don’t give me that “If you wanted to see a masterpiece, go watch Godfather or something.” Again, I call bullshit. Regardless of the genre of anything, it can and should be done well.

Take Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage, Iron Man, and The Dark Knight for example. All were summer movies designed to cater to the lowest common denominator. You weren’t expected to struggle to keep up with whatever’s going on screen. However, all of these movies turned out to be well thought of and came complete with such things as plot, characterizations, and motivations. So there’s really no excuse to just make a movie just for the sake of creating a spectacle.

Unfortunately, Michael Bay, what with the amount of money he makes with his movies, cannot be bothered with caring about what his audience things.

Below you’ll find a list of just some of the things I hated that summer robot movie  (I could post a spoiler warning, but since the movie threw away any semblance of a plot 5 minutes into the film, I don’t think I’ll be spoiling anything) :

1. For Michael Bay, robots wear spectacles and speak with a German accent.
2. When you hump Megan Fox’s leg, you are neither seen or heard from again for the rest of the movie.
3. When you are battered in robot form, just transform, and you’ll find yourself good as new when in car form.
4. Even if you cannibalize and kill your 6th member to fix Megatron, the submarine’s sonar will still register 6 objects
5. ROBOTS CAN TRANSFORM INTO A COLLEGE SLUT
6. Decepticons can plant a robot slut in your college months before you start studying there.
7. FUCKING RACIST TWINS
8. You can drive through the desert and come out as if you had gone through a car wash.
9. The AllSpark can kill Megatron in the first movie. And can resurrect him in the second
10. The Beef has been holding the AllSpark in the first movie and it didn’t have any effect on him, but watch when he touches a sliver from the AllSpark in the second movie. ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE IN HIS BRAIN!
11. Transformers heaven.
12. When in Egypt, Bumblebee and / or the Twins can be standing next to you in one scene, but they mysteriously disappear in the next, only to reappear in the following scene to save the day! HOLY FUCKING CONTINUITY BATMAN!
13. ROBOT TESTICLES!
14. When you are no longer connected to the government, and you want a ship to use its ultra secret weapon to fire on a target of your choosing, just order him around in a bossy voice and they’ll just blast that fucker off the map without the need to validate your identification, or your claim.
15. MEGAN FOX CAN BANDAGE YOUR HAND in 3 SECONDS AND MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A BRAIN SURGEON DID IT!
16. There is no need to name the individual robots. You never get to know them anyway.
17. Transformers can teleport? Fuck that. And fuck Michael Bay
18. ROBOT FUCKING TESTICLES. SERIOUSLY

Now it might seem that I’m only nitpicking here, but if such flaws make up 90% of the movie, then it’s not so much as nitpicking as it is a running commentary.